Finding the Right Single Man for You in Detroit

adies, when you see a single man, do you instantly assume that he is eligible for a committed relationship or marriage? If your answer is yes, you may be setting yourself up for a rude awakening.

Just because a man is single does not mean that he is eligible for a meaningful, long-lasting relationship. Eligibility is a state of mind. Since men don't wear a sign saying "I am eligible" or "I am ineligible," the question becomes: How can women tell? Eligible and ineligible men have distinct behavioral differences in a relationship. Here's what to look for when wading through metro Detroit's sea of bachelors.

Eligible men invite you into their homes and their lives. If they are interested, they will give you their cell number, business number and let you know if they are on social media. When things get really serious, they mention you on their social media and post pictures of the two of you.

Soon, they introduce you to their family and friends-and will also want to meet your family and friends. They call you on a regular basis during what I like to call "prime time" hours and days: between 5 and 9 p.m. on the weekend. This does not imply that they will not contact you at other times and on other days; it just suggests that these dates and times are definitely included. You become their "special friend" or their "lady."

This means that they will act like gentlemen and also treat you like a lady, engaging in social outings and escorting you to other activities that the two of you both enjoy. As the relationship evolves, they will let you know in words and action that they like you as a person and love you as a mate.

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Women are almost always eligible for a relationship because they have been socialized to place a high premium on relationships, commitment, love and marriage. Unfortunately, there is a perception that women will only date, marry or want a commitment with men who have a car, house, ambition, wealth and the like. Nothing could be further from the truth! I can cite cases from my private practice, seminars and forums that show that some women usually have only one deal breaker-SEX.

If he is defined as sexually gratifying, exciting and equipped to satisfy her, then no job, no house, no car and no ambition don't matter. This introduces the age-old question: When should you sleep together?

Sleeping with someone should not be determined by how long you have been with him, but rather, how well you know him. Some couples have been together for two or three years, and they still don't know each other. Other couples act like they have known each other for years after only being together for two months or less. In other words, it's about quality and not quantity.

See if what a man says is consistent with what he does. Investigate him. Women must be keen observers and use a pragmatic, objective and cognitive approach to relationships. Relying on pure emotions to guide your decisions may blind you to an ineligible bachelor.

These men may not give you their phone number at all. And if they do, they will contact you infrequently during what I like to call "bargain basement" times, usually after 10 p.m. early in the week. Their conversation leads to sex. You won't meet their family or friends, and they are not interested in meeting yours.

I know what you're thinking: But I am different. I can change him. Absolutely NOT! Only the man can turn it around. Women can't change men's mind; men change men's mind.

The decision is yours. But keep in mind, except for physical force and deception, men can't do anything to women that women don't allow them to do. Be true to yourself about your relationship choices, and your choices will be true to you.

Lyn Lewis, Ph.D., of Detroit is a noted sociologist, relationship guru, motivational speaker and author of Don't Hate the Player, Learn the Game.

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